Calvin's Video Diaries
by xSadistxFujix
Summary: The unreleased video diaries of Calvin Gabriel beginning during his freshman year in 1998 all the way to that fateful day of May 1st, 2001.
1. January 7th, 1998

**Warnings: **Mentions of depression and suicide (and later plans to kill a bunch of people, of course)**  
>Summary: <strong>The unreleased video diaries of Calvin Gabriel beginning during his freshman year in 1998 all the way to that fateful day of May 1st, 2001.

******A/N: **These are supposed to be "video diaries" of Calvin because I'm curious about the boy who is shown as quiet and shy until the last 15 minutes when he's taunting his victims and what exactly was the cause of that to be released.

* * *

><p><strong>January 7<strong>**th****, 1998  
>11:41 PM<strong>

The camera shook slightly as it was turned on and Calvin moved away from it, sitting back on his bed. The boy ran his hand through his blond hair, sighing slightly as he stared into the lens of the video camera. His blue eyes shone with the glare of the camera, but he didn't make any move to speak just yet, instead opting to continue to sit on his bed.

Calvin lightly licked his lips, glancing down at his lap. The silence of the room was ironically loud, except for the slight, natural hum of the house in the background. Looking off in a direction, Calvin tapped the palms of his hands against his thighs before turning back to the camera.

His lips parted as he moved to speak and then his brows furrowed, closing his mouth. The camera stayed still on its perch as it videotaped the teenager.

"I…" the boy finally began as he stared down towards his right leg, his voice soft and quiet. "I hate high school. Somehow I almost believed people when they say that high school is supposed to be the best years of your life." Calvin shot a wry, slightly bitter grin at the camera. "So far, I don't get it."

Calvin once again looked away from the camera and instead looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom, leaning back on his hands a bit. "Andre agrees I think, but we don't really talk about it. We're good friends but we did only meet in September so we don't really talk about things so serious—most of the time.

"I feel like I'm falling…" he continued on, eyes closing. "I don't know to where, but this feeling is familiar. I've been feeling like this for years—especially once I started middle school. It's like I'm…" Calvin sighed, seeming to be searching for the right words. "I don't know. I don't want to say I feel like I'm falling into some pit of darkness and nothing but it sort of feels that way."

Blue eyes opened and he lowered his head to once again stare into the camera lens. "I thought about killing myself the other day, but I chickened out." He glanced away, folding his hands over his lap. "But I guess that's not really true either. More like… I didn't want to just… I didn't want to just kill myself like everybody else does."

Calvin turned his eyes back to the camera. "It doesn't make sense to kill myself. It feels… meaningless." His voice was almost in a whisper, the camera barely being able to pick up his words. "Know what I mean?"

The blond stared into the lens for a couple of moments, almost as if waiting for some type of response. When none came, he gave a slight nod before reaching forward and everything went black.


	2. February 14th, 1998

****A/N:** **This is loosely based on Dylan Klebold's (gunman of Columbine and person Calvin is based off of) personal journals that he wrote (I have read them so I know this stuff for a fact) in which Dylan rambles about love and then they turn into rants of self-hate.

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><p><strong>February 14<strong>**th****, 1998  
>4:12 PM<strong>

The camera was turned on and Calvin straightened it before pulling back, leaning against an outside wall of the Gabriel household. The blue matched his eyes almost. "Okay…" he began, looking at the camera. "Valentine's Day today; I got a total of one Valentine's card." The blond held up a red card, looking it over. "From my friend Rachel; I've known her for about a year now."

Calvin nodded to himself, setting it aside. "I guess it's better than Andre though. Andre didn't even get one card. He doesn't really care 'cause V-day is stupid. I agree with that statement as well so… yeah."

He shifted on the ground. "Although it makes me a bit pissed cause you see all these girls giving cards to like the jocks or whatever and you know what the assholes do? They just throw them in the trash, sometimes right in front of the girls." Calvin made a face. "It's like, what did these girls do to deserve that treatment? Except both Andre and I know; they were stupid."

The blond brushed some of his hair back, shaking his head. "Brad Huff is like the worst of them all though. He took the cards and threw them out without even looking and then ate a piece of chocolate before spitting it into the trash can." Calvin scoffed. "I hate that guy, but I guess the girls kind of deserved it for being so _stupid _as to give guys like him chocolates and cards."

Calvin stared into the camera. "If _I _had that kind of attention from girls you could bet that I wouldn't treat them like that. They constantly choose the worst guys for them and I just don't get it. What is so good about fucking… Brad Huff and Charlie Jenkins? Their looks? Money? What? I don't understand women.

"I just want to know," Calvin continued, sighing a bit. "Am I not like good enough or something? Not cute enough? Not smart enough? Not manly enough? The only girl who really likes me is Rachel and I don't think she likes me in that way and even if she did… I don't think of her like that. Maybe when we first became friends but after I became friends with Andre—Rachel is very clear on her stance about Andre and likewise him for her.

"It kind of sucks that my two best friends don't really get along but… even if I did like her, I can't date anyone who doesn't like Andre. It just doesn't work in my head because I have that feeling that Andre and I…" He paused, voice trailing off a bit. "I have the feeling that Andre and I are _those _friends. In your life, I believe you get one true friend who really understands you and then no more."

Calvin licked his lips, tilting his head up thoughtfully. "I mean, you can have more friends—I have some—but Andre is like me. He thinks like me, that much I know already. We don't talk about things all that serious at times but I _want _to talk about them to him because I don't think he'd judge me for it, you know?"

His lips twitched. "Yeah… maybe he would though. People tend to judge people who sometimes just wish a bus would trample over you just as you walked into the street." Blue eyes glanced up at the lens. "I'm just… not ready to talk about that to anybody yet."


	3. April 30th, 1998

**Warnings:** Mentions of depression, suicide, and killing somebody. Fun.

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><p><strong>April 30<strong>**th****, 1998  
>8:02 PM<strong>

"Two months and eighteen days since my last entry." Calvin told the camera as he looked at his hands, almost as if he was talking to himself. "Not much is better, but it's not really that much worse either. I guess I'm just thankful it's almost summer. Andre and I have already made plans to hang out practically every day once summer starts—not that we don't already." A smile twinged at his lips.

"Its kinda nice to actually have a friend like Andre," he continued, now looking at the camera. "Andre is… Andre. The two of us have become like this group of two. I have a few other friends that I've had for years but I don't talk to them as much as I talk to Andre. They're not as cool or as fun—they don't get me like Andre gets me. Rachel says that's because I don't let anybody but Andre in though." He gave a small chuckle, running his hand through his hair.

"I think that's… that might be a little true, but what am I supposed to say? That I like Andre better than I like everyone else? That'd just hurt Rachel's feelings and I don't want to hurt her or anything. She's the only girl who is actually somewhat cool.

"Andre is coming over tomorrow after school. He's staying the night too, and it's like the…" Calvin thought for a few moments, looking up at the ceiling. "First time since I was six that a friend is coming over to stay the night. It's a weird feeling. I think my mom almost died of shock when I asked." He grinned slightly, looking down, his bangs falling in front of his face.

"I don't know, it's just kinda nice having a friend like Andre again. Even when I was little… people thought of me as their really good friend and I just… didn't. I don't—I don't think that's a _bad _thing really." Calvin shook his head, looking to his right, most likely at his bedroom door.

"I'm still unsure of why exactly I'm making a video journal—or diary, I don't really care what you call it." He looked back to the camera. "It's just this feeling of I _need _to talk. I need to just ramble out my problems and maybe they don't seem that serious, but they feel serious. They feel fucking… serious and I'm unsure of what to do about it." He gave a small shrug, shifting to fold his legs beneath him.

"Most people would probably tell me to talk to my parents or a counselor of the depression—and I know it is, because what else would make me feel this way?—that I'm feeling, but like… I don't _want _to talk to them about this. It'll just make them worried and I don't think it's too serious… maybe it kind of is though and I'll end up killing myself.

"I don't think about killing myself though." Calvin told the camera, looking down at his bed. "It's this feeling I get when I go to bed at night and I think… please God—if there is a God, which I'm not entirely sure of—just let me die in my sleep tonight. I won't mind. Someone else can have the life I don't want and then I wake up and I find I'm still alive…" he sighed, glancing at the ceiling. "I feel disappointed, but I don't think of getting a rope and hanging myself from the tree in the backyard."

Calvin leaned forward, whispering, "But sometimes… I think of hanging other people from the tree in the backyard." His blue eyes stared into the lens before he looked away and shut the camera off.


	4. June 22nd, 1998

**A/N:** This chapter has less description and a lot more conversation as its with both Andre and Calvin.

**(1): **"Nachste frage" according to google translate means "next question" in German. I'm not sure if Andre is German but I'm pretty sure the surname "Kriegman" is and seeing as how Eric Harris used German quite a lot, I'm just stealing that. =P

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><p><strong>June 22<strong>**nd****, 1998  
>1:13 PM<strong>

"Say hi to the camera, Andre." Calvin's voice came from behind the camera as he turned it to his friend. The brunette stared into the camera before shaking his head, leaning back against a wall as they stood outside of a house.

"What the fuck is with you and that camera?" Andre questioned his friend, but not angrily. "Isn't it a bit weird filming everything like that?"

"I don't know…" Cal answered, the camera shifting a bit. "I just like it. Years from now I'm going to be able to look back at these tapes and see what sorry SOBs we were." Calvin chuckled. Andre shot him a grin.

"I'm not a SOB. That's you."

"Na-uh! You're a crazy son of a bitch, Andre. Don't even pretend you aren't."

Andre let out a loud laugh. "Fine, I'll let you have that one." Bending down, Andre grabbed a few rocks from the ground. "There's a bird nest up there somewhere… let's see if I can hit it and knock it down." Calvin followed him with the camera as his friend circled the tree, locating the nest.

"The great Andre Kriegman is now going to attempt the impossible!" Calvin lowered his voice to resemble an announcer's. Andre laughed, looking over at him before winding his arm back, throwing a rock up into the tree. "And… he misses! Damn, close one."

"Shut up!" Andre tossed a smaller rock at the feet of Calvin. The blond quickly jumped to the side.

"Fine, I won't announce your sucky aiming skills."

"I have fucking good aim, thank you very fucking much." Calvin turned the camera to himself, shaking his head and mouthing "no he doesn't".

As Calvin turned the camera back to Andre, the boy threw another rock into the tree. Barely a moment later something fell to the ground and Andre gave a yelp. "Fuck yes! How's that for aim?"

"Gotta admit, pretty good, Andre." Calvin stated as he walked over, turning the camera towards the nest. "Aww… look the eggs got smashed against the ground. Poor baby birds." There was slight laughter in Calvin's voice.

A stick poked at the nest. "Disgusting… the birds were partially formed." Andre continued to prod at the nest, bending down so that he was in the camera's view. "Look at all the bird blood." Andre stabbed at one of the dead birds.

"Dude, this is as bad as kicking puppies. You're awful."

Andre looked up, eyes squinting against the glare of the sun. "I'm awful? You're just as awful as me. Don't try and tell me otherwise."

"On a scale of one to ten how awful am I?"

"One to ten? Twenty." Andre grinned, standing up, arms crossed over his chest.

"If I'm twenty then you're like… one-hundred."

"Fuck that shit, give me that." Andre reached his hands out, grabbing the camera from Calvin, turning it on him.

Calvin waved at the camera. "Hey,"

"Okay, now we're having a question and answer section of your videotaping." Andre stated as Calvin placed his hands on his hips, watching the camera. "If you had the chance, would you fuck that Rachel girl?"

"What? No! God no." Calvin denied, face turning a little bit red. "Andre, if you're going to ask questions like that then give me the camera."

"No! Come on, where's the fun in that?" Andre expertly dodged his friend's attempt to get his camera back. "Fine, I'll steer clear of all perverted questions, now get back into the spotlight, Cal!"

Calvin shook his head as he leaned against a tree, staring into the lens of the camera as Andre concentrated on him. "Alright, next question… if the world had a horrible infection and only two people out of the whole planet got to live and you were one of them, who would you choose as the second person?"

"You, Andre. Definitely you."

"Fuck yeah! Alright, I'd choose you too."

"You better choose me."

"Nachste frage(1)! If you could do one thing without fear of any consequence, what would you do?" Silence met the question as Calvin looked into the lens, seeming to be thinking over his answer.

"I don't want to answer that." Calvin responded, shaking his head.

"Hey, come on, don't be like that. Why don't you want to answer that?" Andre questioned, but Calvin only shook his head again, reaching forward.

"I don't want to answer that on camera."

Everything goes dark as the camera is shut off.


	5. August 31st, 1998

**Warning:** More mentions of depression and suicide and murder. What else do you expect from lovely Calvin Gabriel here?

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><p><strong>August 31<strong>**st****, 1998  
>10:44 PM<strong>

Calvin lightly pulled at his blond hair, the night vision casting a blue glow over him. He messed with the camera a bit, fixing and straightening it out. "Today was the last day of summer." Calvin began quietly, as if to not wake up his family. "Tomorrow I start sophomore year of high school. One year closer to freedom…

"Well, as much freedom as I can get, anyway." Grabbing his camera, Calvin lay back on his bed, situating the camera on his knees so that it was pointed down towards him. "Gotta see people other than Andre now… I hung out with Rachel a bit this summer, but I kinda fell out with my other friends. Now I got to see them. I don't… really want to."

He tilted his head back a bit, staring up at the ceiling, past the camera. "I'm gonna have to not be myself now. All Andre and I did was just sit… and talk. We played games and we talked and we just did things… and talked. It's weird. I've never talked to anybody as much as I've talked to Andre this year. We have so much in common, its amazing.

"He goes hunting sometimes. I've never even _held _a gun, but the way he talks about it makes me jealous. I want to hold that power in my hands…" his voice was soft as he spoke, just loud enough for the camera to pick up.

"So I began to research them—guns, I mean. They're so fucking cool. I don't know why everyone doesn't have one. I'd have lots of them if I was eighteen. I could just… go hunting whenever I wanted, go to the shooting range, practice my aim." He gave a small laugh. "I'd probably suck though. Andre has really good aim. He's known how to shoot and use a gun for longer than I really knew what they're used for."

Calvin shifted again, rolling over onto his stomach and placing the camera on his pillow. "You know what the world would be like if every person had a gun just starting at even age thirteen? There would be so many murders and suicides. The world would be in chaos trying to clean up how much _blood_ there is." Calvin bowed his head, a small smile barely showing on camera. "It'd be so… amazing. Although I probably would've killed myself with that gun early on—but then I wouldn't have met Andre, not that I would know that."

The blond glanced back up into the camera. "Do you think it would be amazing? I think it would be poetically… beautifully tragic. At least, tragic in other people's opinions. In mine, it'd just be beautiful."

There was silence for a few moments, the expression on Calvin's face one of longing, almost. Finally, Calvin brought his hand up and shut the camera off.


	6. September 4th, 1998

**September 4th, 1998  
>3:43 PM<strong>

"You don't know how much I _hate _school." Calvin grinded out, his jaw clenched as he sat in front of his house. His fingers swiped through his hair, clenching at it slightly. Blue eyes glared down at the ground in front of him. "Four days into sophomore year and already I've had enough of the fucking… assholes at that place."

The blond looked up into the lens. "I guess I don't really hate school as much as I hate the people in the school. They all have their little cliques and clubs and _nobody _else is even allowed near them. I'm not…" he let out a breath, trying to calm himself down. "I don't think of myself as a particularly violent person, you know? But I just really wish I could punch somebody right now—fucking jocks in particular.

"I'll just have to solve that small violent urge of mine by playing a video game and pretending the people I'm shooting are the kids and teachers at school. That actually takes quite a bit of my anger away…" Calvin murmured, placing his hand over his mouth as he rested his head in his hand, staring at the camera still.

"And I think Andre and I are going bowling in a couple of weeks. At least we want to. I've not been bowling in like… three years, so I guess I'll be trying my hand out at that. I'm going to tear Andre to shreds. I'm going to beat him so bad. I'm not letting him win with this." The blond grinned slightly, chuckling. "Andre is going down."

"Calvin!" The blond turned as a little girl ran towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Madelyn…" Calvin sighed, unwrapping her arms from around him. "I'm busy, why don't you go bug mom and dad?"

"Are you making a movie?" The girl's eyes widen as she moved closer to the camera. Calvin grabbed her wrist to stop her from getting closer. "Can I make a movie too?"

"Don't mess with it… it breaks easily. I'll make a movie with you later, alright?"

Madelyn pouted, sitting next to him on the curb. "Fine, but can't I at least stay? I promise I won't bug you… but I'm bored and mom is cleaning and I really don't want to do my homework—it's Friday, I'll do it on Sunday after morning Church."

Calvin glanced at the camera. "I'll just finish this up later…" he turned the camera off.

* * *

><p><strong>September 4<strong>**th****, 1998  
>11:21 PM<strong>

"So… you got to meet my sister." Calvin began quietly, situating himself in front of the camera. "Sorry about the little interruption earlier. I've got a little sister and a little brother and a whole bunch of cousins and stuff. Some times it's hard to get time alone which is why I usually spend my time over at Andre's.

"I mean, I love my family but… it gets a little bit annoying when I want to be alone because they don't like to leave you alone, especially my siblings. Sometimes I just want to…" he brought his hands up, squeezing them. "Not that I would ever do that, but everyone wants to kill their family sometimes, right?"

Calvin covered his mouth, yawning. "I guess I should get going to bed. Andre and I are hanging out tomorrow. Night." He leaned forward, everything going black.


	7. September 19th, 1998

**A/N:** A note about this. Its known that Eric and Dylan were a part of the bowling club and that they said they imagined their "enemies heads as the pins" which helped them bowl better. They also liked to yell "hail Hitler!" every time one of them got a strike-even Dylan who was Jewish.

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><p><strong>September 19<strong>**th****, 1998  
>4:07 PM<br>**

"Are you recording this?" Andre questioned as he pulled on his bowling shoes, tossing his sunglasses onto the table. The camera moved up and down, as if nodding. "Why are you recording us going bowling?"

"Why would I _not _record us going bowling?" Calvin's voice asked from behind the camera, moving it to look around at the surrounding tables and people.

Andre chuckled. "Freak,"

"You're the freak, Andre, not me." Calvin set the camera down on the table, leaning back in a chair, pointing it so that it caught both of them on camera.

"You're so lucky I like you." Andre told him, sitting up. "If I didn't like you I'd slit your throat for calling me a freak."

Calvin laughed. "Hypocrite!"

"So?" Andre scoffed, standing up and disappearing out of the camera's view. Calvin grabbed the camera, turning it out towards the lanes. "I'm going first. Got a problem with that, Cal?" Andre asked, picking up a bowling ball, and looking over at his friend.

"Nope, no problem! Knock those pins down!"

"I wish I was knocking something else down." Andre stared at the pins for a moment, seeming to be concentrating hard before swinging the ball into the lane. A loud crashing sound erupted as the ball hit the pins. "Ah fuck! Two left, fuck."

"Well, that's pretty good though, isn't it? I mean, two left, you got eight. Those last two shouldn't be much of a problem, right?"

Andre shrugged, picking up the ball again. "Yeah, I guess. Still though. Be kickass to get a strike on the first go. Just gonna have to try harder next turn." He swung his arm, the ball knocking the final two pins down for a spare. "Guess that's alright… you're still going down."

"Screw you; you're going down, Andre. You are going _down_." Calvin walked over and grabbed his bowling ball. The blond walked over to the lane, staring at the pins hard before swinging his arm back, tossing the ball. "Oh hell yes! Strike! How's that for down? I've got fucking _fabulous _aim."

"Fuck you," Calvin laughed as Andre cursed, tossing a crunched up piece of paper at him.

"Calvin!" the blond looked over at the girl and a couple of Calvin's old friends walked over. "I didn't know you were going bowling. Should've said something. Why didn't you mention it?"

"Gee, I wonder why he didn't mention it." Andre's voice—filled with sarcasm—came from a chair behind the camera.

The brunette girl looked over. "I was speaking to Calvin…"

"Rachel, I don't really fucking care."

"Is it really a good idea to use that type of language with kids around?" Rachel asked, motioning to the kids running around next to them.

Andre let out a loud laugh. "I really don't fucking care though."

"Hey, Cal, can I see this?" One of the boys Rachel was with asked and Calvin looked over.

"Uh, sure, just be careful with it…"

The camera was picked up and the guy walked backwards so that everyone was in the view of the lens; Andre leaning back into a chair, Rachel and Calvin closer to the lane.

"Do your next ball, Cal." Andre stated, now ignoring Rachel. Calvin nodded, grabbing his bowling ball and finishing up his turn.

"Cal, after you and… Andre finish your game want to come get a bite with us?" Rachel asked, her hands in the pockets of her jacket, brown haired pulled up into a ponytail. "We were going to do that and see a movie later. You can come to that as well."

Calvin rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually… I was going to spend the night with Andre and we were going to stay up late playing video games."

"Oh…"

Andre grinned, pushing past her. "Yeah, he was going to stay the night with me and we were going to stay up late playing violent fucking video games where we blow people's brains out."

Rachel glanced at the camera uncomfortably.

The sound of crashing as Andre tossed the ball down the lane. "HAIL HITLER! Fuck yeah! Strike!" Andre grinned, ignoring the looks the surrounding people were giving him.

"That was some power you hit those pins with." Calvin laughed, seemingly ignoring the words his friend had just yelled. Or he just didn't care.

"Did you… did you just yell 'hail Hitler'?" the teenager behind the camera asked.

Andre looked over at him, losing his grin. "Yeah, and?"

"Why would you say that?" Rachel asked, looking a bit disgusted.

"Come on," Calvin began before Andre could say anything. "They're just words. Andre isn't harming anybody by yelling a couple of words, Rachel."

"Those are just words, Cal… that man hurt a lot of people and those words are putting him on a pedestal." Andre rolled his eyes. "We're leaving. Come on, let's go." Rachel turned, walking off. The camera was lowered, losing focus on anything.


	8. September 20th, 1998

**A/N:** Sorry to the people (if any) reading these that these are so short, but they're not meant to be super long anyway... just drabbles. Either way, but the time I'm done with this story (and its going all the way to May 1st, 2001.. its not even 1999 yet so there's still a long while to go) this will probably be nice and long in all.

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><p><strong>September 20<strong>**th****, 1998  
>5:28 PM<strong>

"I apologized to Rachel," Calvin told the camera, rolling his eyes slightly. "I don't know why I had to apologize but apparently what Andre said really upset her. I mean, it's not like she was locked inside of a concentration camp or anything. They're just words; they don't mean anything. Andre always says things like that; it's just a part of who he is.

"I mean…" he looked up, tilting his head. "Was he really that bad anyway? Sure, he rounded a bunch of people up and slaughtered them but sometimes I wish I could do that. Just get everybody in that fucking school in one big room and burn them to death—alive."

The blond looked back at the camera. "You're not going to tell anyone that though, because you can't talk. You have to keep _all _of my secrets forever, don't you?" Calvin smiled slightly. "You're my friend, aren't you? Not as good as Andre is though." He laughed. "God, I'm talking to you like you're real…" he leaned forward. "Like you're watching me on the other side."

Calvin let himself fall back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm so fucking… like I've got all these feelings and I don't really get all of them, but somehow… I kinda do. That doesn't really make sense though." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Ever since I was little… I felt like I kind of didn't really belong. Not exactly that I didn't belong in my family or in this town or at that school but more… like I wasn't meant to be born.

"Maybe I'm just being dramatic—no I probably am, but I can't help how I feel, you know? I always hated my birthdays. I didn't see the point in celebrating another year alive. It just depressed me even more, even before I knew what the fuck being depressed meant."

Sitting back up again, he leaned his head on his hand, scratching at back of his neck. "I don't feel depressed _all _the time. Usually only when I'm with my family, or my friends, or at school." He let out a laugh. "Okay that sounds like all of the time. Hanging out with Andre is the only time I ever feel _not _depressed and I think that's because we both… we both feel the same way. We both feel like we weren't meant to be born. We're both… depressed.

"But that's _okay_. We don't really mind it like we should. We've both given up trying to fix ourselves because… there's nothing wrong with us. We just… aren't like other people, but why is that _bad_? I don't think it's bad. Do you think it's bad?" Calvin stared at the camera for a moment. "No? Me neither."


	9. October 22nd, 1998

**A/N:** I'm having waaaaaaaay too much fun with this movie and these characters... yeah...

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><p><strong>October 22<strong>**nd****, 1998  
>9:17 PM<strong>

"So I'm stuck carting my… ugh, my fucking siblings around on Halloween." Calvin groaned, scratching at the back of his head. He was obviously annoyed as he sat on his bed, glaring at the camera slightly. "Like, why the hell do I have to take them? Mom isn't working that day. I have other shit to do and stuff…"

Calvin leaned back against the wall, lightly knocking his head against it. "I guess since it'll only take an hour or two it'll be okay, but it's still annoying. I'm going to be sixteen soon and I'd rather spend Halloween doing stuff that doesn't include… fucking dressing up as some stupid mindless movie character and begging strangers for candy.

"Like, how do we know there aren't razor blades or fucking poison or some shit?" The blond let out a small laugh. "Guess it'd serve everyone right if there was though. Trusting idiots kinda deserve to be killed off if they're going to be so fucking _stupid_."

Calvin raised his arms above his head, stretching slightly, not really seeming to pay much mind to the things he was saying. "Do you know how often humans do things that make absolutely no sense and then everyone else are like 'where is their common sense'? Except the people who said that just did something equally as stupid and they don't even think about it?" Calvin stared at the camera, shaking his head in disbelief. "So often that suddenly other people just wish all of human kind would just be wiped the fuck out.

"I don't deny to doing or saying things that are stupid sometimes but it's far less often than that shallow _bitch _down the street that insults everyone and everything for wearing two different colors at the same time. People like her give humans a bad name—no, actually, you know what? _Humans _in all give humans a bad name and I'm ashamed of being a part of this species."

Calvin held his head in his hands. "I've got this… fucking headache now just from thinking about humans and all their fucking problems. Shit. Maybe I'm just bitter or something but I can't stop thinking like this and I don't actually _want_ to stop thinking about these things. Someone needs to wake up and notice how awful we are as a species…"

The blond glanced back, licking his lips a bit. "Humans don't deserve this world. Let the other species take it back." He was silent for a moment. "Yeah… that's all I had to say."


	10. October 31st, 1998

**October 31****st****, 1998  
>8:29 PM<strong>

"So how do you feel about the fact you had to take your siblings trick-or-treating?" Andre asked after they had dropped Eric and Madelyn off back home and were finally on their own, wandering around the neighborhood.

Calvin pointed the camera at him, a small sigh could be heard coming from the blond. "I don't get why I had to, but I guess it wasn't too bad… at least it was only for an hour and a half and now we could walk around scaring little kids." He chuckled from behind the camera.

Andre let out a loud laugh. "Ha! Take their candy and put a bunch bugs and stuff in it then go handing it back out to kids. Their parents would never let them go trick-or-treating ever again… fuck, we totally have to do that next year."

"You are such a mean person, Andre." Calvin was obviously smiling even while saying it. Andre bent over, picking up a stick from the ground, swinging it at Halloween decorations as they walked.

"So? Fine, we'll give it to the fucktards at our school, only we'll slip razor blades into the chocolates instead." Andre turned, looking at the camera thoughtfully. "Be a nice creative way to get rid of the enemies, wouldn't it?"

"Wouldn't it be a bit suspicious if everyone was swallowing razors except for the two of us? Plus, I mean, if they like lived, then they could tell where they got the candy form and stuff and we'd be pretty much screwed as hell."

Andre made a face. "No, man, we'd skip the country before that could happen. Somewhere fucking tropical like… or we could just tell them we didn't touch the stuff. Why would two high school students put razor blades in their classmates' candy? Wouldn't it be too obvious to be us? Nobody would _ever _suspect us of doing something like that."

"Hmm… probably. We are like… near the top percentile of our class. Strangely, I still don't know how the fuck we're doing that."

"That's cause everybody else are idiots." Andre answered, tossing the branch out into the street.

"True, they really are."

"Yeah…" Andre sighed, glancing at the camera. "Like, if I could I would get rid of all of them…"

There was silence for a moment. "Me too."


	11. December 25th, 1998

**December 25****th****, 1998  
>9:56 PM<strong>

"So, this is probably my last entry in Calvin's Video Diaries until the new year." Calvin stated, looking very comfortable as he sat on the floor, pillows and blankets surrounding him. "Thought I could enter a bit of… festive cheer.

"Today was…" he paused, tilting his head slightly. "Today actually wasn't all that bad. It felt kind of nice to just forget about everything and be with my family. We opened our presents, went to church, we had a nice Christmas feast. Our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents all came over tonight to join us for dinner. It was really… crowded. Very crowded and I did feel a little bit uncomfortable at that point, but I hid it well. It was family, not just random people I didn't know."

Calvin sighed, resting his head on his hand. "I'm not really… good with parties. I guess I just don't like a lot of people in one place. I feel awkward enough walking down the crowded hallways at school. When I was little I had to take the school bus and…" Calvin turned a bit red, rubbing the back of his head. "This is a bit embarrassing, but for about half the year I would cry every time I had to go on the bus because I _hated _being around that many people.

"That probably actually didn't help with the bullying I received." He sighed. "When I got old enough, my parents let me walk but Andre plans to get a car once he gets a job and said he'd pick me up and give me rides which is pretty awesome of him, actually."

The blond messed with the camera a bit. "Somebody asked me what I want to do after I graduate high school… I didn't know how to answer. I don't even turn sixteen until March—I'm only a sophomore. Why the hell would I be thinking about what I want to do after I graduate high school?" He looked at the camera as if it would answer.

"That question made me realize something though… when I think about graduation, I can't see myself on that stage. I don't… I can't visualize myself wearing a cap and gown and getting my diploma. Most people can't wait until they get it but I don't really care." Calvin gave a small shrug. "I'm guess I'm just unusual or something, but what should I say?

"This brings up another thing. I can't see myself out there in the 'real world'. I don't care about what I'm going to do after high school. I don't want a job and I don't really want a family of my own. My family that I have now is enough for one life time." He tilted his head to his right, sighing. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact I wish to kill myself?"

Calvin shrugged before giving the camera a smile, waving. "Anyway, that's the end of my festive, cheerful video entry. Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight."


	12. January 13th, 1999

**January 13****th****, 1999  
>2:43 PM<strong>

"I am going to fucking kill that fucking fucktards with a _fucking _chainsaw." Calvin clenched his left hand, banging his head back against the wall. He was shaking in anger, his right arm in a cast. "I'm going to go to his house at fucking midnight and I'm to bring down his whole family into one fucking room and I'm going to make him watch as I kill them before finally fucking sawing him into tiny bits and _fucking _pieces!"

Calvin looked at the camera, glaring and breathing heavily through his mouth. A bandage hid a cut above his right eyebrow and there were a few scrapes along his cheek. Taking in a deep breath, Calvin forced himself to calm down. "Okay… I'm calm. Kinda."

He clutched at his hair, still glaring. "That fucking… asshole broke my fucking arm. What a wonderful _fucking _way to start of the _fucking _new year! I think Andre was about to go bat shit crazy on that mother fucker… I would… if my arm wasn't _fucking broken_!"

Calvin stood up, kicking at something out of the view of the camera. "_Fuck!_ I'm going to kill that asshole… can't believe he broke my fucking arm and is getting the fuck away with it. Shit. _God damnit!_"

The blond collapsed back in front of the camera, finally forcing himself to calm down. "I guess I should… explain what I'm going on about. This fucking idiot named Richard Vergardo—he's like a second Brad Huff except violent—and he's always messing with people. Girls, guys, anybody and I guess today he decided to mess with me. He pushed me into the fucking concrete stairs outside the school and then stepped on my fucking arm and _broke _it.

"The asshole thinks he can just get away with doing these types of things because nobody will speak up about what he does, but guess the fuck what Richard Vergardo? You just messed with one of the two people you _don't _want to mess with." Calvin stared at the camera, blue eyes alight with anger. "Richard Vergardo, you're going to rue the day you messed with Calvin Gabriel."


	13. February 16th, 1999

**February 16****th****, 1999  
>5:47 PM<strong>

"So I've been thinking about things I can do to get back at that son of a bitch," Calvin began, glancing around the yard as he spoke. "And you're probably wondering why I haven't just kicked his ass already but there are two reasons as to why I have not done so. Firstly, I don't want to get back at him with any obvious physical altercation because then I'm going to get into trouble." Calvin shook his head slowly, staring at the camera. "We don't want that to happen.

"And secondly is because I want something big. I want to _humiliate _him and that takes some planning. I've begun thinking of possible scenarios and I've thought of a few I like… Andre has added some ingredients to the pot and he's also going to help me put it into gear."

Calvin grinned. "Isn't it great to have a friend like Andre? Seriously though, it's nice to have someone on my side. As soon as he saw the cast on my arm he said what I was thinking; that we needed to get the motherfucker back and we needed to get him back better than he got me.

"There's a few little problems to this though. A great plan takes a lot of time to prepare and Richard Vergardo graduates in May… hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It really shouldn't, but that just means Andre and I are going to have to plan, supply, and put into action before May—hopefully by May first, but we'll see.

"Oh, another good thing," Calvin brought up his right arm. "No more cast. I'm once again a free man from the weight of Plaster of Paris." He clapped his hands once. "That's it for today folks. Next time I talk to you, Andre and I would have our plan at least partially formed."


	14. March 20th, 1999

**March 20****th****, 1999  
>8:03 PM<strong>

"So… tomorrow I turn sixteen." Calvin began, holding the camera still so that it was pointed at his face. "I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that. It's kinda mixed feelings if I'm completely honest. On one hand, okay yeah, I've known that this day would be coming since the day I turned fifteen—earlier than that really, but you guys know what I mean, right?

"Anyway, we're having a party and all sorts of games and shit and I'm not looking forward to it one bit. Cake, burgers, all of my closest friends." Calvin rolled his eyes. "Friends include Andre—of course, Rachel, and a few other of my old friends who I do talk to from time to time but I think they're mostly coming for free food and cake. Whatever, fine with me. I don't care either way."

Calvin set down the camera, rubbing at his arms. "Our plan is coming under way just fine… I won't say what it is cause I don't want to jinx it, you know." He bit down on his lip, resting his head on his arms. "I just… doing this type of thing really feels… a bit empowering. Here I am, just a measly little white, skinny, blond sophomore boy and I'm about to humiliate this huge, brute-ish senior."

The blond tilted his head, looking as if he was about to start laughing a bit. "Most people would probably feel scared or intimidated in my place. Most people probably wouldn't even think about doing what I'm going to do in the first place, but… I'm not scared. I'm anything but scared. I'm _excited_.

"I'm not like those wimps. I'm not… I'm above them and I don't care how many fucking people criticize me or insult me because they're morons. They sit in their nice little houses pretending that everything is okay. The worst thing they have to worry about is winning fucking… homecoming or being head cheerleader and here I am knowing that humanity is _fucked_.

"It's been fucked since the beginning of time, honestly. We shouldn't… we don't deserve living here. We're ruining this planet and we deserve to be destroyed." Calvin ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I don't care how awful that sounds because it's true."

His blue eyes met with the lens of the camera, staring straight into them. "Do you know how beautiful a world without humans would be? It would be natural… and there would be no rules or laws that we live by. The things that people call "morale" wouldn't exist because there is no morality in nature. Who are those people to say what is right or wrong?

"Morality is an opinion that some god damned righteous idiot said was the law of human kind. Well guess what. Humans are animals too. We're a part of the animal kingdom and we should live by the rules of that kingdom, not by the rules of man." Calvin gave a small shrug. "Survival of the fittest, I suppose. Andre taught me these things and… I have to agree with him.

"I mean… how can you not agree with him?"


	15. April 20th, 1999

**A/N:** So... April 20th, 1999 at 11:17 AM was the scheduled time for the first propane bomb to go off in the cafeteria in Columbine High School of Littleton (Columbine), Colorado... Of course, that didn't happen in this! But I thought I would place this one during that day at that time. 

* * *

><p><strong>April 20<strong>**th****, 1999  
>11:17 AM<strong>

Calvin groaned, holding his head in his hand. The blond was pale and sweating, his eyes and nose both red. He sniffed, giving a few light coughs. "If you couldn't tell… I'm sick. Mom made me stay home. Apparently I have a temperature of 101 degrees. God, I hate being sick. It's so… disgustingly human." He made a face, falling onto his side and burying his head in his pillow as he did so.

"I felt like today was supposed to be such a good day too and then I woke up with a fucking… stuffed up nose, sore throat, and a fucking fever." Calvin groaned, clutching at his hair. "And a headache… I don't normally get sick around this time. Actually, I hardly ever get sick but for some reason I got sick. I feel like coughing my fucking lungs up."

Almost as if rehearsed, Calvin started coughing violently, hands clutching at his pillow. "Andre and I were supposed to put our finishing touches on our plan for Vergardo today, but I guess that's not going to happen until this weekend, hopefully sooner. I'll kill something if I'm not better by Friday, fuck."

Sighing, Calvin sat back up, running his hand over his face. "School's going to end soon. It's crazy to think I'm going to be a junior come September. I'm almost done with high school and I don't even really care. I guess… I should start looking at colleges next year, even if only for my parents. They'd kill me if I decide I don't want to go to college and maybe it won't be so bad… maybe. It probably will be absolutely horrible though. Maybe Andre and I can go to the same place.

"You guys probably think I'm like… dependent on Andre or have a crush on him or something." Calvin gave a small laugh. "But it's not like that at all, we're not like that. It's just, he's the first friend that I fully call a friend and—despite what people would try to tell me—I know I'm never going to find another friend like Andre. We just have so much in common, we're so much alike and only the two of us actually see it. It's really cool, like we're a secret group, just the two of us."

He glanced down before looking back up, tilting his head to the side a bit. "Is it really bad to have a friend like that? I think people should feel lucky to have a friend like Andre. He doesn't take shit from people and he says it like it is. He's one of a kind and I want to be more like that—and I'm going to be more like that. The two of us… we have a future ahead of us that no one else has… you couldn't have it even if you wanted it."


	16. May 3rd, 1999

**May 3****rd****, 1999  
>4:02 PM<strong>

"I have just a couple of things to say on this lovely day of May 3rd, 1999." Calvin began, his lips turned up into a smile. The corners of his lips twitched slightly, almost as if he wanted to smile even wider, but he was holding himself back for some unknown reason. "The first thing I want to say is that you no longer can mess with Calvin Gabriel and get away with it.

"The second thing is _mission successful!_" He grinned, thrusting his fist into the air as he let out an excited yelp. He grabbed the camera, letting himself fall back onto the bed. "Damn, I wish I had videotaped it but I didn't think it would be a good idea in case someone found it but… shit!" he laughed, closing his eyes.

"This adrenaline rush is so… amazing. The look on Richard Vergardo's face is going to be one that I will never get out of my head—I don't ever want to forget that look of horror and humiliation. Everybody was laughing their asses off and Vergardo deserved that. He's humiliated me and now… I humiliated him back—worse than he's ever humiliated anyone."

Calvin opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling, now calming down slightly. "Well shit… I think Andre and I are going to need to come up with another brilliant plan sometime because… that was the most fun I have ever had. Planning that was like… amazing. So much detail and so much time put into that one small thing and yet it was worth it. It was fucking worth it.

"I want to do something bigger but I'm not sure what yet. Something that will leave its mark so deep that people will never forget it… and it'd be fucking… the most beautiful thing in the world. Something poetic, maybe a bit tragic." He smiled. "It'd take awhile to plan, definitely a lot longer than it took Andre and I to plan this little prank. We'll see if I figure something out. I don't know. Maybe Andre will want to do it with me though; I think that would be a lot more fun than doing something by myself.

"Maybe the two of us should get like a group name just for us two. That'd be awesome." Calvin laughed, closing his eyes. "I like this feeling."


	17. June 5th, 1999

**June 5****th****, 1999  
>10:41 AM<strong>

"Today is the first official day of summer vacation," Calvin began, still looking as if he was trying to wake up from the night's before sleep. "And while yesterday was only a half day at school—thank God—it still doesn't provide the freedom that _summer vacation _spells out for you.

"I've got a lot of plans for this summer, but none are really… Andre and I are going to hang out a lot, I'll probably hang out with Rachel a little, and then my family will likely go camping for a couple of days because that's what we usually do each summer. A break from the prison that is school until I have to go back there in September, but well… you know…" he gave a small shrug. "I'm used to going to school by now."

Calvin looked at his hand, messing with the nails on his fingers. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to the camera anymore, and instead was falling into the routine of just talking. "I guess… closer to junior year is a good thing. Means I'll be getting out of school in just a few short—but still horribly long—years. That's good for me, good for Andre, probably good for everyone actually.

"Except it's different for me than for everybody else. I'm not looking forward to getting out of high school because I want to go to college or get away from my parents and family." Calvin shook his head, giving a small laugh. "Those reasons seem so… small, don't they? They're huge reasons and I know that, but to me they seem… miniscule. Unimportant like every human on this planet."

Calvin tilted his head, looking at the camera seriously. "You're unimportant. I'm unimportant. Everybody in this town and in this city and in this _world _are unimportant in the long run. Sure, maybe what the idiots over in Washington do makes a difference in the long run, but only for humanity and well, humanity is unimportant, so why should I care?"

The blond brought his hands to his head. "It's like this; we're all going to die out sooner or later—hopefully sooner—so why is everyone bothered by fucking stupid things? It doesn't make sense. Let them live their life and… you can live yours until it's your time. It's really the only smart thing to do, isn't it? Although, if I had my choice, they'd all have their end sooner rather than later."

He gave a laugh, looking off to the side and down. "I think I'm just fucked up…" Calvin gave a tiny smile. "But that's okay with me. Is it okay with you?"


	18. August 29th, 1999

**August 29****th****, 1999  
>10:07 PM<strong>

"So, as usual, I haven't put in an entry since the beginning of summer." Calvin ran his fingers through hair, looking just a little bit older than the last time he had made a video entry. "I've been doing things practically every day since school ended. It's been a lot of fun, actually, and I'm almost excited for school to start back up again.

"Not because I'm looking forward to school though. No, school is just as much hated as it has always been and it will always be that way. That's how I'm used to it, and that's just how it's gonna be forever. Nothing will ever change the fact that I hate school.

"Anyway," Calvin continued, shifting where he sat to get more comfortable. "I've got this weird feeling in my stomach. I've had it for awhile now but I thought it would pass, except its just growing stronger and stronger with each day. I don't know what it is, maybe I have cancer or some shit like that, but all I know is that… something is going to happen this year. Something is going to change for me this year.

"I don't know when. It could be next June for all I know, but sometime this school year, I think something will happen. Good, bad, whatever, just something _big_. Maybe it's the fact that I'm going to be a junior in high school here in a couple of days, but somehow I don't think so. For me, being a junior isn't really anything special. It just means that much more responsibility in trying to find a college and figure out… what I want to do for the rest of my life."

Calvin sighed, resting his arms on his legs as he swallowed, looking down at the comforter of his bed. "Don't get me wrong… it's not like I hate everything about life. There's games, movies, music, and foods that I like. There are a few people I really like and I'm glad I've gotten the chance to know them. It's just… hm. It's hard to explain. The only way you'd understand is if you felt the same way as I do.

"Except, nobody really feels the same way as I do. Andre is the closest that I've ever heard of and even he… he doesn't feel exactly like I do. I think he's mostly angry and… I guess I am a bit angry too. In general I'm so _angry _and I'm depressed and I…" Calvin lightly tapped his thumb against his lips before sighing again and shutting off the camera.


	19. October 1st, 1999

**October 1****st****, 1999  
>5:19 PM<strong>

Calvin dropped his bag on the floor in front of the camera before taking a seat, leaning back against his bed. "Just got back from the book store and I found something so… fucking cool. It's not lame book, don't worry. As if I'd read books that schools push at you. Most of them suck anyway. From time to time there's a good one like Lord of the Flies—_that _had to be the best book I've ever read, for school or not."

He cleared his throat, unzipping his back. "Anyway, the book I got has a lot of interesting information in it. Possibly useful information—well, maybe not useful unless you plan to get one but still…" Calvin pulled the book out, holding it up in front of the camera. "Assault Weapons. Best. Fucking. Book. _Ever._

"This book tells you everything about them. Makes me want one. Sadly that will probably never happen, but this book should be like… a god of all gun books. I had to buy it even though I don't think my parents would like me having it, but they don't actually need to know, do they? It's not like I can take the gun out of the book and use it or anything. That would be super cool if I could though… but I can't. So it's not like I'm doing harm or anything."

The blond flipped through the pages. "People assume just because a teen gets his hands on a book or a game or some heavy metal rock music we're all going to kill somebody…" his voice lowered to a murmur. "They don't really realize that it's probably not what makes those people do something like that. Not even… it's not even a factor. Not really.

"I mean, if I was to kill somebody, I doubt some stupid game is what made me want to do that. It's a game, that's all it is, but I guess some people just like to look for something to point the finger at." He sighed. "It's really stupid… then again, people can be really stupid. They don't like to admit it, but they spend more than half their lives being morons; not noticing what's right in front of their face.

"Or wanting to deny it. Hide it." Calvin shook his head. "I don't really understand others… I guess I don't really want to either."


	20. November 19th, 1999

**A/N:** So, Calvin's rambles always seem to go in how he wishes he would just DIE. Hm. Well then. Suits him.

* * *

><p><strong>November 19<strong>**th****, 1999  
>5:23 PM<strong>

"Okay, so sorry I've not put in an entry in over a month—again—but this time I have a good reason. I've been grounded for the last month for getting in a fight during a field trip to the science museum of all places." Calvin groaned, fingers clenching at his hair as he clenched his eyes shut. "It's not even my fault. The guy… I snapped. I know I should have kept myself in control but you can only do that so many times…

"It won't happen again though, I just… had to release that anger I guess. God, I'm still so angry though. I'm tired of people messing with me but they just seem to keep on messing with me and messing with me. They mess with Andre too, but he never holds back his anger—although he usually takes it out on inanimate objects, not the person he's angry with.

"Thankfully, he's never _really _been angry with me. I mean, sure, we've had disagreements before and arguments but usually they're over just as quick as they started. Neither of us ever says sorry, we just prove to each other that we trust each other in some _ridiculous _fucked up way." Calvin chuckled, looking up at the ceiling.

"You know, it's amazing how much I've changed. People don't tend to notice how much they change except when they think about what they were like when they little and I… was a lot different than I am now. Yet, somehow I'm still the same person… just older. I've got more serious things on my mind then… race cars and action figures." He tilted his head.

"Now I'm just thinking about how much longer I'm going to live—hoping it's not as long as other people hope they live… I don't want to live a long time. It sounds… horrible. Unbearable. Some people want to live forever and I just have one question to ask them; why? What's the point in living forever? I think that sounds awful. Probably the worst punishment I could ever have would to be immortal, unable to die no matter what.

"I don't like that thought… I'd rather just kill myself then live to even see my twenty-first birthday. Why live so long when the world that you're living in doesn't welcome you and is horrible as well? It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't… it doesn't compute in my mind. I just don't see the point in torturing myself by living for a long time.

"And it would be torturing me, don't make any mistake about that… I don't want to live to next year let alone… sixty years from now." Calvin shook his head. "I must just be weird, but you know what? I'm okay with that."


	21. December 11th, 1999

**A/N:** I mention a massacre that happened in... 1989 I believe and Calvin says some things and its not what I think. I mean no offense by writing it but I hope people would know that already. This is what he thinks.

* * *

><p><strong>December 11<strong>**th****, 1999  
>11:07 AM<strong>

"In less than a month it's going to be the year 2000. It'll be a new century as well as a new decade." Calvin rested his head on his hands, staring off past the camera's view. "I kinda wonder what's going to happen in this new decade… if anything exciting is going to take place. Probably not, but I can hope right?

"Not that I care all too much, really. I don't really care all too much about current events… or past events. I mean, I guess wars can be really interesting, and then like… super tragic events—tragic depending on how you look at them. I don't really see anything as tragic too much, maybe that's a little bit weird. But like… have you ever heard of that school massacre in that Canadian polytechnique school? I've heard about it and I looked it up and this is horrible but every time I do I _laugh_."

Calvin lightly hit his head against his hands, holding back his laughter as he spoke. "I'm sorry but it's funny! The guy went to the school and killed fourteen women because he hated _feminists_. What kind of reason is that? It's ridiculous! There was something seriously wrong with that guy just to do it for that reason. I wouldn't be surprised if they make a movie of it in the future.

"You gotta be kinda envious of that guy's absolute freedom though. Rules and laws didn't apply to him—and all the others like him. He just did what he wanted to do and nobody could stop him. I wish I could be like that, I wish I didn't care about the consequences…"

He let out a sharp sigh before shaking his head. "No, you know what. I don't really care about the consequences, and there was none with what that guy did. He killed himself. That's all the consequence for him that there was and is that really a consequence? It sounds like a plus to me. He didn't have to deal with the crap of the world and I wouldn't either if I killed myself."

Calvin looked up, leaning back on his hands. "But I'm not going to do that, because it seems… useless. Killing myself would make me dead and that's it. What's the point of that? It seems so stupid.

"Then again… a lot of things are stupid."


	22. January 30th, 2000

**January 30****th****, 2000  
>8:03 PM<strong>

"Tomorrow is the last day of the first month of January, 2000. It is officially a new decade as well as a new century. People are so awed over the fact it's a new century and I'm just like… what's the big deal?" Calvin asked the camera, wrapping his arms loosely around his legs. "It's another year; it's different from the last. The only thing different is the day and the year. Who cares? I don't.

"I'm just glad there's only about… four months until school is out for summer. Summer is freedom from assholes and wannabes. I like summer, I really do—well, I like summer more than I like any other season, which I guess isn't saying too much." Calvin gave a small laugh, rubbing at the back of his head.

"I'm kind of bored of talking about nothing. I'm just sitting here speaking about nonsense that I don't care about and I don't think any of you care about… maybe I should just stop speaking and making these videos. There's no real point in them, it just helps me feel a little bit better about myself; getting all these things… out.

"There are other things I want to get out too but… I can't say them. Can barely even bring myself to think of them they're so… horrible. At least in other people's eyes. But I see things differently than most people. You are all so… blinded by rules, even the ones who hate them, you still follow them. And for what? What's the point? I don't really see any point in doing what other people tell me to do.

"That all just depresses me even further. Screw the rules. I don't like them so I'm going to make my own starting now. And you'll all have to live with that."**  
><strong> 


	23. March 15th, 2000

**March 15****th****, 2000  
>8:29 PM<strong>

"I'm tired," Calvin began, his voice barely above a mumble as he buried his head into his legs, yawning. "Like… really tired. Not just physically either, but mentally, emotionally… I'm just tired. I feel like sleeping but lately I've just not been able to fall asleep. My parents are worried about me, but there's really not much that I can tell them. Is this how insomniacs feel? I'd hate to be this tired all of the time and they get even less sleep than I do.

"I took a small nap earlier," he continued, resting his head on his hands. "But it wasn't even two hours. Barely even an hour actually and it did shit for me. I haven't even been able to concentrate on my homework lately. I've no clue what's wrong with me and it's been like this for the last two fucking weeks. Even Andre is starting to get worried and he gets worried over nothing.

"Hopefully I'll get over it soon. It started out of nowhere so maybe it'll stop out of nowhere as well. Be great to actually get some good sleep for once but I'm not going to hold my breath and pray cause I'd probably die if I did. Well… maybe I _should _actually… ha, right, as if that would work. I wish."

Calvin let out another long yawn before pushing some stuff off of his bed. "Okay, screw this. I'm fucking exhausted so I'm going to bed. I don't even know why I made one of these tonight." He shuts the camera off.


	24. April 22nd, 2000

**A/N:** And here we go... the beginning of Zero Day. (and on a slightly unrelated but also related note, I just finished reading "No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death at Columbine" by Brooks Brown who had been a friend of Dylan and Eric and whom Eric had threatened to kill in 1998 before telling Brooks to leave the day of the shooting because he "liked him now". It was a brilliant book, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about Columbine)

* * *

><p><strong>April 22<strong>**nd****, 2000  
>9:07 PM<strong>

"For once, I actually have a lot to say." Calvin began almost as soon as he turned on the camera, looking as if he was trying to hold back a smile. "There are so many things to say but… I'm not sure where I should begin. I guess I should begin on… I think it was April 7th—it's the 22nd now—and Andre and I had been having a conversation.

"It was all hypothetical, we were talking crap about Tielson—our school—and how it's the perfect fucking setting for one of those school shootings. It's in a nice little town and full with morons who think they run the place and we said we wouldn't be surprised if some kid grabbed his dad's gun and went and shot everybody." Calvin gave a small laugh.

"But then we got to talking and we just started talking about how we would be smarter than that kid and how it takes time to perfect something like that and actually be able to carry it through, you know. Well I haven't been able to stop thinking about it despite the fact it was just a joke we were talking about and I ended up grabbing a map of the school that they have in the library and I just… drew things down on it.

"I guess in my mind it's become non-hypothetical. I want… I want to do it and this part of me gets _excited _at the thought but another part of me is still nervous because… I know I can't do it, not without Andre. I can't… I just couldn't, but I wasn't exactly sure if Andre would actually be up for doing it. And then… something amazing happened today.

"So we were just talking and hanging out in the basement of his house and he brought up that hypothetical conversation that's turning into a non-hypothetical thought for me and he started talking about all these ideas that were just popping into his mind such as making pipe bombs and recording the process of doing all this and we started hatching a plan right there in the basement of his house while his parents were upstairs doing whatever it was that they were doing.

"It's not hypothetical anymore, I can feel it. Both of us have decided that _this _is what we're going to do. We're going to do this and get back at those mother fuckers by putting bullets in their fucking skulls and… I've never felt more alive than I do right now. It feels so good to finally standing up to these assholes and they don't even know it. That's the best part. They don't even know that these two 'kids' they push around are going to get as even with them as anybody could.

"I want to do this at every school, in every town we possibly can. Wouldn't that be amazing? We would like… we would be fucking heroes; getting revenge for the underdog, for ourselves and everyone like us and it would be so brilliant. I don't… I don't know why we haven't seriously thought about this before but… no harm done, because we're doing it."

Calvin stared into the camera's lens. "We're going to fucking do it and nobody will know until that day… they'll see kids running out of the school in fear of us and they'll hear the list of the dead, the injured and then us… our names will be plastered all over the TV, the internet, newspapers and its going to be fucking glorious. I can't wait… Andre and I will be gods."


End file.
